Tuesday, September 4, 2012

My Life Story: Growing Up Without A Father.

I've been wanting to write this for a long time... My life, and thoughts, of growing up without father.

Divorcing my father was the best and bravest decision that my mother had made in her entire life, and I'm really proud of her for doing that. She was a Catholic, and people around her were telling her that a divorce was against her religion (Catholicism). But, she stood up for herself and divorced my Dad. She had to. My father was abusing her, was an alcoholic and had a serious mental illness. She had to get away from him, in order to protect herself and us, her children. And I'm so proud of her for doing that.

So this is my life story:

1. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old. He was abusing my mother, physically and verbally. He was also an alcoholic and had Schizophrenia.

2. After the divorce, my father did not support my mother in raising us at all. He didn't give her single penny.

3. So, my mother had to raise us (my 2 sister and me) all by herself. She was only 29 years old.

4. My mother was just a nurse back then and earned very little. She asked her family for help. But none of them helped her, Not even her own mother.

5. Somehow, she managed to raise enough money to hire a maid to take care of us.

6. Sometimes, she had to work day and night shifts just to earn a few more dollars. We didn't get to see her much during the day, but we always knew that she was working extremely hard for us.

7. We were getting use to our lifestyle- our maid would look after us, while my mother was out working.

8. However one night, our father visited us. It was a sudden and unexpected visit from him.

9. He managed to open our front door and barged into our house. He shouted at my mother and demanded to see us, his children.

10. My sister and I were in our bedrooms at that time as it was late at night. We were hiding behind our bedroom door, stunned and shocked to see our Dad , whom we haven't seen for nearly 10 years.

11. My mother told him to "Get Lost" and she quickly called the police for help.

12. My father immediately fled and left our house when he heard my mother calling for the police.

13. Up till this day, I don't know why he wanted to see us, and why was he in such a state of hysteria. It was really a scary moment.

14. Another 10 years passed, and we receive a call from my Dad's sister (my aunt).

15. She told us that our father had passed away, in his sleep.

16. My younger sister, mother and I attended his funeral.

17. Everyone in the funeral had to place a flower on his coffin. His family placed their flowers on it and one flower dropped onto the floor. None of them picked it up.

18. I picked it up and placed it gently on my father's coffin. And I stared at his lifeless body.

19. He looked exactly like me; we had the same nose, chin and even skin colour. It was a surreal moment.

20. After his funeral, my aunt told me that "my father was actually a nice man, until his sickness overcame him and took control of his body and soul". She even said that "I look exactly like him."

21. I didn't know what or how to answer her. I just nodded my head and mumbled "Yea".

22. Up till this day, I don't know who my father is- all I know is that he's in a better place now. I don't have any photographs of him; my mother cut them all up and threw it away a long time ago. I only have vague memories of him; and they're getting more and more vague as time pass by.


I would like to ask my father these questions one day, when I get the chance to:

Dear Dad, 

Why did you marry my mother?
Did you even love her at all?
Why didn't you tell her that you were sick? that you had Schizophrenia.?
Did you know how hard Mum had to raise us, all by herself?

Did you ever love us, your children?
Did you really want to have us? Or were we just children born out of default?
Do you know that I dislike Father's Day because of you?

Why did you visit us that night after 10 years?
Did you have something important and urgent to tell us that night?
Did you ever think of us when you were at home, alone?
Do you even remember us? Or has your illness robbed you of your entire memory?

You said that I was your favourite child. Do you remember that?
Your sister said that I look like you, but I do not ever want to be like you.
I am a responsible parent, I will never ever leave my child, or children, alone.
Do you know that I'm a mother now, and that you have an adorable grandson? He's really amazing and he teaches me so much about myself everyday.

Have you found your "inner peace" in Heaven?
People say Heaven is a better place than Earth, is it true?
Are you able to watch me from Heaven? Are you able to read this from Heaven?

If you are, I hope you'll answer my questions. Mum doesn't talk about you, at all. No one is able to answer these questions, except you. I have so many more questions to ask you, so many more. And one day, I will. I will ask you these questions when we meet in Heaven. And I hope that you'll be able to answer these questions and even have a good one-to-one conversation with me. Just like how you talked to me properly back then (and that's the only good memory I have of you).

I've never said a proper Goodbye to you Dad. Right now, I even feel awkward and uncomfortable typing the word 'Dad'. Mum has forgiven you, but I'm not sure if I can. Mum suffered a lot, and you were not there for her and for us. You were gone, somewhere. I hope you're reading this, I really hope so.

Till then, Rest In Peace and Goodbye Dad.

8 comments:

  1. hey marie, thanks for sharing this. it was a really beautiful and honest entry, and i pray that your dad is resting peacefully in a better place too :)

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  2. Thank you for sharing this, even though it was undoubtedly very hard to write. Your mother is a very brave woman. x

    http://www.jenventure.blogspot.co.uk

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    Replies
    1. Yes she's the bravest & strongest woman I know of :)

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  3. Mental illness is so sad. Who knows what your father would've been without it. And what a hard life for your mother :(

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    Replies
    1. Yup who knows... Yup it WAS a hard life for her, but not anymore :)

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  4. Glad to learn that through our journey with our children do we realise how much we have and can learn from them. It is not easy to be a working mother and yet be a faithful wife. Let us learn from others' experiences and be very mindful of giving unconditional love to our children and most of all, be gracious to those who had looked after us. You will be richly blessed, I am sure.

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  5. Marie it really takes a lot of guts to write about your life. I wish your mother has got only positive treatment and rewards since those days and I hope you and your sisters don't keep bitter feelings inside you. Questions are tough and when memories are vague, answers may be harsh.
    You are such a brave girl and I can only imagine the great mom you are being to Shayne!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for your lovely comment!

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