Thursday, January 15, 2015
"How are you feeling today?"
Okay, this is not going to be a happy cheerful post which most of my posts are. So far, 2015 has been a challenging and new year for me, to say the least.
"I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I'm more afraid of succeeding at things that don't matter." - Bob Goff
This. This basically sums up what I'm going through right now. I diligently pursue the aspects of life which is essential for my livelihood and well-being, but at the same time, I'm battling my own ugly emotions and self-loathing thoughts which flash through my mind every single day. "You're not competent enough." "Things went wrong because you couldn't handle it well." "Maybe you're just not cut out for this." Crazy self-loathing thoughts fill my mind, more than I want them to be, and it's eating me up from the inside. I don't wait to say that I'm suffering from anxiety attacks, or that I'm getting a slight depression. I know there's still the happy, confident me, hiding somewhere beneath my demons. My inner demons are the ones that are suppressing me, and I'm drowning in them.
Now and then, there are moments that I feel like my life is thriving; my life is great and even wonderful. Sometimes I feel like I'm the luckiest girl on Earth. I'm surrounded by my loved ones and they love me back too. But suddenly, an overwhelming sense of ugliness creeps in and my sense of fulfillment is gone. Horrible thoughts fill my head once again, and I'm back to square one.
As I grow older, there will be more accomplishments and heartaches, along with experiences that will shape my future. But how do I deal with the present? How do I handle the battle going on between, my mind, my heart, and my soul?
This hasn’t been my quarter life crisis. It’s just life. And I'm learning to embrace the ugly side of it. My inner demons, though quiet, are never quite silenced.